The thing is, random people who stumble on this blog sometimes-there is something about the ocean that resonates deeply with my soul. Almost as if the ocean somehow holds a billion secrets in the depths of its trenches and volcanos. So when I am near the ocean, I can stare for hours into it and empty all my thoughts and they can be lost in the blue waters forever. So when I was feeling overwhelmed with unfair emotions recently, I found myself not just on the shores but in the ocean, away from any city lights I stared and I thought these things, and I wrote them down because writing it down is the same as washing them away in the ocean.
I find a place outside where I can clearly see and feel because the ocean A) makes me less sick and B) helps sort my thoughts. I try to reason with myself. You were letting your imagination run away. I mean what are the chances a funny, sarcastic, cute, attractive, kind and caring and sensitive woman would feel whatever you are feeling? Especially while you act unjustifiably cold towards her, hurting her feelings and wow the ocean is so tempting and I want to jump into the hungry darkness and feel the salt water and stop feeling this way and its easy to climb the railing and dive into the mysterious beautifully dark waves that crash over your negative thoughts and drag them to the depths of the unknown and i know that is where i want to be and the temptation is exciting but wait- this is not one of your silly fantasy stories. When you jump you do not transform into some aquatic creature and swim into the Void- the ocean is cold and unforgiving and merciless and you are not protected by some divine fate- no one will save you. You will drown under the crushing waves-alone and crying and terrified because the darkness is so much scarier when you are surrounded by it. But god is it hard to stare into the abyss and not be curious what might be lurking underneath , deep breaths. You want to spend time with her. Try harder, breathe.